In learning to be more self-aware and in touch with myself, I have taken more time to learn who I am, what I want, and what I need. Something I’ve kept to myself for years, or did in secret, was the desire to be feminine and to wear feminine clothing.
I’ve hinted at it before – I once told my wife I felt like a male lesbian – but I’ve never really discussed it or embraced it. She had had her suspicions at different times. She once had me wear a pink apron while we were skyping (which we often did when apart) and noted I seemed to like it too much. The extent I expressed it was when my wife was gone and I’d wear certain clothing items of hers I managed to fit into or by imagining scenarios in my head.
I have little respect for meaningless cultural conventions and norms and clothing restrictions is included. I’ve had discussions with my wife about the impact of our patriarchal society on the clothing seen as acceptable. If a woman wears a man’s dress shirt, it’s erotic. She can wear pants, suits, anything really, and it ranges from acceptable to sexy. If a man wears lingerie or a dress, it’s gross or effeminate or silly. And I really think much of it is due to the degrading way our society often views women. A woman can aspire to be a man, so to speak, but it must never go the other way.
Anyway, I finally discussed it with my Wife and she was more than supportive and felt closer just because I chose to share with her. I really am fortunate to have such a caring accepting partner.
We made a day of shopping on Saturday to get things we both needed anyway, but also as an opportunity to start diversifying my wardrobe. I don’t want to dress all femme or all male. I have both parts of me and just want to wear what I like and what makes me feel good. So for now, that may be pink underwear under my casual clothes to work or a nightie to bed, but it’s great knowing I can be free to express this side of me not only without judgement, but with embracing acceptance.