Christmas Vacation

It was so nice to get away to Florida for Christmas. The warm weather, white sand beaches, time just with my Wife and puppy. I’m so glad that we take ownership or our lives and do what is best for us and our own mental health instead of just going along with family expectations.

I deal with mild seasonal affective disorder in the winter months and being someplace warm and sunny helps a lot. I’m fortunate to have so much support and encouragement from my life partner.

It is good to be home now and settled back in. Even if it does leave me exhausted today.

I’ve been let out of chastity for a few days over Christmas, still no masturbation allowed, but I have been informed that it is going back on tonight. More watching my liquid intake before bed again! Looking forward to some intimate time tonight as we work to make our relationship and intimate time together a priority. The goal is to have time together every night, and it’s a resolution worth starting before January 1st. 

Service Night

Tonight I will have the opportunity to give my Wife and Domme a pedicure. We’re getting ready to leave for the beach, and it’s also long overdue.

Painting her nails has become one of my favorite service activities. I love kneeling at her feet and gently holding them in my hands. She is very quick to give feedback on how I’m doing, which I have had to work not to personalize. I want each time to be an opportunity to learn how to serve her better.

It’s also a very sensual and objectifying activity since I’m often naked and kneeling in the floor under a table so that she can work at her iPad or phone while it’s done. 

Looking forward to sharing an intimate moment with my lover and leader this evening. ❤️

Learning chastity and mindful submission 

Chastity

Each day, I learn a little more how to live with enforced chastity. From dealing with how to arrange everything comfortably throughout the day, to keeping it quiet at work, to sleeping at night. The most challenging is sleeping – not because it’s innately uncomfortable, but because of those pesky midnight risers.

I think I will have to be much more cognizant of how much I’m drinking before bed and how close to bed time. With my intake of water last night, I woke up a couple of times in a lot of pain from the struggle against the ring holding the cage on. Then, of course, you have to wait for it to settle down before emptying your bladder. Another lesson learned.

Mindfulness

My personality is such that I tend to live in the conceptual – what could be – and thinking of ideas and abstract concepts. The consequence of that is that I don’t live in the moment or take things in as fully.

As such, I’ve been working a lot on being mindful each day. Mindful of my breathing, my senses, and my relationships. Meditation and some studies and podcasts on Buddhism have also been something I’ve been pursuing.

I love the Buddhist concepts of lovingkindness, being aware of what is, and the open-mindedness to all experiences and beliefs. 

With my submission, I often get caught up in just doing and not being. The result is that I forget why I’m doing things, lose my submissive mindset and the respect and intimacy that goes along with it. I lose purpose in what I’m doing.

My Wife and I have been working to improve that, both through her assertiveness and how she requests things and in how I carry out tasks. One idea we came up with is that I place sticky notes on items that I do out of submission. So when I make her morning coffee before I leave for work like I do every day, I put a sticky note on the mug and realize I’m making her coffee because I’m serving and submitting to her.

We’re also working on my attitude and how I respond to requests. Instead of just carrying out the task, I need to acknowledge it and express my compliance in a positive attitude. 

I hope that we can continue to find new ways to be mindful in my submission, and I think journaling will be a part of that. Every day is a new opportunity for growth.

Chastity – the first few days

I’ve always been attracted to the idea of enforced chastity. In recent months, I’ve seen its necessity in my life because of my constant struggle to obey the no masturbation rule. Ownership of my sexual pleasure is key to submission because it’s a huge part of surrendering your body.

We finally ordered it at my Domme’s request, with no prompting from me, and it was locked on last Wednesday night. It has been a learning process as we’ve struggled with the fit and how to put it on. A new ring will be arriving in two days to ensure it is even more securely padlocked. 

I have never felt so consistently submissive and so consistently desiring of my Wife. I love the effect it has on me, and I love the knowledge that I have no control to disobey or pursue my own pleasure. I love having the constant awareness of my ownership and submission at work when I have to use the bathroom and the barely noticeable clanging of the lock against the steel or at home when I go without underwear and I feel the weight and hear the, much louder, clanging as I walk. In summary, in the first week of chastity, I am loving every aspect of it.

My journey…

I’m hoping to journal regularly here about the daily joys and struggles associated with a life of submission to a loving dominant partner. In my case, I have been lucky enough to have a wife who honors my submission by allowing me to serve and obey her in any way she desires. 

While each day is a new challenge, I can honestly say that we are in a better place in our D/s relationship than we ever have been. We have a relationship agreement that we adhere to, I am now in my 5th day of enforced chastity, and we are both growing in our confidence as leader and follower.

It took me many years to realize what I was – a submissive – and many more years to even start the journey to becoming a good one. Because of my strict religious childhood, I had no words for my desires and no acknowledgement of my sexuality until I was an adult. Yet, from the time I was very little, I had unexplained urges to be dominated, to be a slave, to be in bondage, and to serve.

I realized what those desires were at 18 and started self-exploration at 20. I regularly engaged in self-bondage and read about BDSM online. But each period of exploration was met with self-loathing and “purging” any BDSM materials.

I tried to change myself when I was married to fit the mold of a good Christian leader-husband. My wife showed and interest in domination and submission, so we tried to force me to be dominant and her submissive in accordance with our religious expectations for each other. We quickly realized that wasn’t working, and we also became less and less influenced by the strict norms of Christianity.

It still was far from smooth. I tried to submit by topping from the bottom in a huge way. I tried to create my perfect Domme and control how my wife led. This led to many heartbreaks and many dissolutions of our dynamic, sometimes because I just decided I wasn’t interested anymore or was overtaken by guilt. 

I am so fortunate that my wife gave me another opportunity, on her terms, to craft our D/s relationship. We have still had bumps along the way, but we are both growing and loving our relationship and each other more than ever before.

The love of my life is both my wife and my Domme, and I want every day to reflect the immense respect and affection I have for her through my obedience, honor, service, and worship of her in our life together.